12.07.09

dear gryffin: until we bring you back to san franciso, this will have to do. you are the cutest puppy ever!!!

12.06.09

dear sonoma valley: love the persimmon trees this time of year!

12.05.09

dear holiday cards: i get all into filling you out for like the first six. then, boredom.

12.04.09

dear office christmas tree: the healthy penis santa completes you.

12.03.09

dear zog dogs’ hotdog stand: mad props for “the prop 8 dog.” two zog dogs on one bun. the more love the better - the more hot dogs the better.

12.02.09

dear seacliff: loving the sunsets.

12.01.09

dear macy’s spca windows (again): are you kidding me?

11.30.09

dear flood building: once again, you wow me with your cheesy yet detail-oriented and awesome lobby decor.

11.29.09

dear gg bridge: still not tired of looking at you.

11.28.09

dear mini xmas trees: which one of you will come home with me today?

11.27.09

dear rocky: did we really need a pancake breakfast the day after thanksgiving?

11.26.09

dear pilgrims: our thanksgiving was way more gluttonous than yours.

11.25.09

dear king tut: you are being redefined in local antique shops.

11.24.09

dear hoochified mrs. claus pirate wench: frederick’s of hollywood was never intended for day wear.

11.23.09

dear baby animals: you represent my favorite time of year commute-wise – when macy’s has the sfspca holiday windows!

11.22.09

dear everybody: this beach is a 5-minute walk from my new apartment.

11.21.09

dear comcast: six years ago, you installed internet service at my old apartment. as part of this installation, you left a small plastic modem plugged into our wall.

with our recent move, you told me that modem was now obsolete, and that you would bring me a new one. however – you said – i must return the old modem to your headquarters or be charged $5 a month indefinitely. well, can i just give it to the guy who comes to install the new service, i asked. no, said you. you must come in person.

frustrated and without a car or time during business hours to spindle around the maze that is potrero hill (where your “headquarters” are located) i called your customer service representatives seeking a mailing address. i waited on hold (at work) for 40 minutes and then had an argument with someone about the fact that i work during the day and cannot get to potrero hill. in the end, you agreed to mail me a “box” to ship my modem back in. i thought this was the end of this ordeal, but no. two weeks went by (and $2.50 more on my bill) with no box. then i get a ups notice that i “missed” a delivery. well of course i missed, it – as discussed, i have a job and am not home during the day. so couldn’t they just leave it? no. well then, reroute it to my office? no. three more “missed delivery” notices and finally, it must have been my neighbor who signed for the package.

which was an empty, torn and crushed box that i must tape back together and bring to ups to mail back to you.

11.20.09

dear electric blue sheets: i guess this is what i get when, in effort to not spent $378, i order two sets of “sea mist” pottery barn sheets online on clearance. so much for my idea of an organic-feeling, beachy-neutral calming color palette in my bedroom.

11.19.09

dear neighbors: i wonder what my new terrier is going to think of your over-manicured grass tufts when i walk him across your lawn.

11.18.09

dear 2010: i love, love, love my new calendar. so much so that i already hung it up in my studio, just waiting to reveal its clever typographic riddles.

11.17.09

dear turkey: i do intend to gobble veggies next week, the ones next to you on my plate.

11.16.09

dear california: i love that you can grow fresh citrus year round, even in november.

11.15.09

dear paper source: i had a particularly challenging time tracking down your paper color swatchbook this year. ah, but it was worth the wait!

11.14.09

dear boyfriend: witnessing you discover san francisco brewcraft, a home brewing supply store in our new ’hood, was like watching a kid in a candy store. i suppose beer, wine and mead supplies are, indeed, adult confections.

11.13.09

dear s’more: after a fright-filled friday the thirteenth that began with a crackhead punching me in the back of the head on the bus (i was fine, just shocked) you are just the ticket. i was told by a college roommate that you could make delicious s’mores in the microwave but, as a mainer and former girl scout, i didn't believe her for years. i was wrong.

11.12.09

dear bad paint job: i dreaded shutting myself in to our twee sunroom so i could close and paint the pocket door, and then wait for it to dry before opening the door to leave the room. but i couldn’t imagine my joy when i encountered shreds of old latex paint curling off the door, which probably hasn’t been moved in 40 years.

11.10.09

dear fellow atm users: this is a definite pet peeve of mine– you leaving your receipt in the machine. this particular atm gives you a blinking red option to print, or not print a receipt. you have to actively push this button to get it to print. so why do you walk away? now i have to take it and dispose of it, in order to get my receipt. or i can leave it for the next person, so the saga continues…

11.09.09

dear bedroom window shades: thank you for being the one thing, thus far, that has been installed with relative ease in our new apartment.

11.08.09

dear nicolette: the trampoline dodge-ball party was definitely the most hilarious (and exerting) version of a 30th birthday celebration i have experienced. especially since we shared the venue with a 10-year old’s birthday party.

11.07.09

dear bedroom walls: you’re next!

11.06.09

dear my new home studio: almost done!

11.05.09

dear seemingly healthy, agile, strapping, text-messaging young man on the unstable bus: notice the 80+ year old lady standing next to you, gripping the pole? yeah, her. you should offer her your seat, you self-absorbed jackass! i would give her mine, only i already just did so for her equally elderly friend.

11.04.09

dear tru blood beverage: you looked so swanky in your ads, not to mention on the show. but on the shelf, you look kinda sticky and trashy. and not in the good way that i so revere your tv series for.

11.03.09

dear burmese lemonade: i love the straw wrapper rosette.

11.02.09

dear scott’s desk at the office: in case anyone was wondering what season it was…

11.01.09

dear starbucks: at least you waited until after halloween to launch your christmas drinks, unlike other retailers in the area.

10.31.09

dear halloween: here in sf, people really dig you.

10.30.09

dear toy store: what kind of toy is this? a disaster simulation tsunami wave maker, complete with tiny huts and trees to get washed into the sea? do you have a hurricane katrina waver maker as well?

10.29.09

dear wedding dress store near my house: this photo in your window is truly outrageous.

10.28.09

dear post office: so many specific things are prohibited– bicycles, roller skates, skate boards, shopping carts… it makes me brainstorm other things on wheels that i could roll in on just to taunt you.

10.27.09

dear coffee: have i told you, lately, that i love you?

10.26.09

dear new bus commute: you are so crammed and lurchy.

10.25.09

dear new neighborhood: the only clanging bells i have heard so far come from this church on sunday morning, and that’s fantastic.

10.24.09

dear stuff: six years and a few months ago, i moved to san francisco from the east coast with one suitcase. one bag filled with all my necessary possessions. how has that expanded this much?!

10.23.09

dear shoes: in the big box you go! minus the four pairs i kept handy, not knowing what outfits i would want to wear both friday night, and saturday during the actual move.

10.22.09

dear cable car: my last ride home from work on you. it went well, even if i did not get my favorite spot (front, right pole.) no doubt i will miss hanging onto you for dear life as you cut through the fresh air, when i am suffocating in some homeless person’s armpit on the bus, but without your clamor outside my window, i will be able to sleep again.

10.21.09

dear rocky: look at this awesome yellow fireplace!

10.20.09

dear “no sloppy seconds” guy: you got someone to write your scripture in chinese, and then you waited by the bus stop that takes people home to chinatown. a new low.

10.19.09

dear cardboard collecting men: i see you all over the city, stuffing flattened cardboard boxes into every inch of your pickup trucks. do you get money for these boxes? or are you just really into recycling?

10.18.09

dear foreign travelers: despite what you may have seen in the movies about the summer of love, here in sf, i am pretty sure it is illegal for you to be sleeping in a van front of my apartment. especially as you have been parked overnight on a one-way cable car street. i am also pretty sketched out by the fact that the pop-up roof of your “house” is just about level with my bedroom window.