05.09.10

dear cinta: you offer about a million other high-end salon services, but you and i both know what’s up when it comes to your expert eyebrow threader, ahn.

05.06.10

dear little red riding hood: i don’t recall the part where you get lost in the forest of marble columns outside emporio armani, but if you continue to head south for about four blocks, you will encounter lots of big bad wolves.

05.05.10

dear carla: i recall looking for “cording” with you in the fabric store in maine, and you were disappointed with their limited selection. today i found this whole floor of a rainbow of cords in sf, you should visit.

04.13.10

dear bloomingdale’s: are you selling cheez-it couture or did some stoned vandal break in last night and f* with your window display?

04.05.10

dear diesel: i still hate your stupid campaign.

01.27.10

dear diesel: my sentiment exactly.

12.01.09

dear macy’s spca windows (again): are you kidding me?

11.30.09

dear flood building: once again, you wow me with your cheesy yet detail-oriented and awesome lobby decor.

11.23.09

dear baby animals: you represent my favorite time of year commute-wise – when macy’s has the sfspca holiday windows!

11.17.09

dear turkey: i do intend to gobble veggies next week, the ones next to you on my plate.

09.09.09

dear sf planning council: i simply cannot believe what i am seeing. you are not already putting up the holiday snowflakes along market street?!?!?!

08.20.09

dear scruffy little westie: i keep seeing you trotting around the neighborhood i work in. i love how your ears flop over at the very tips!

07.13.09

dear skinny hipster girls with big designer handbags: i notice there are a lot of you in this city. being more of a jacket/shoe person myself, i have never understood the big bag phenomenon. even less though, do i understand why you are walking around sporting limp, greasy hair and a tattered wife-beater, you drag your vans along the sidewalk as if the weight of the third world were upon your shoulders, and yet you apathetically clasp a $600 handbag (probably manufactured somewhere in said third world.) what do you store in it? a cute sweater? shampoo? or is that where you conceal your zest for life?

07.12.09

dear mr. potato head: did you ever dream you would someday sell couture menswear at barney’s?

07.10.09

dear louis vuitton: i never noticed your pride window display during the day.

06.18.09

dear… ¿protesters?: ok, you got my attention by playing dead on the sidewalk and having men with machine guns standing over you, but i still don’t know what you were protesting. you need to work on clarity of message.

06.15.09

dear dog, cat and rat guy: while everyone else stares, marvels, oohs and ahhs at the circus tricks of your three pets who live one on top of the other, i can’t help but notice how lonely you are.

05.20.09

dear new cigarette tax increase: i don’t smoke so i assumed i was not affected by your new tax hike, presumably to encourage more people to quit smoking. little did i know that the fee was actually to pay someone “$11 million dollars a year to clean the streets of discarded butts.” way to focus on the real problem. i will look forward to traipsing through the slollum of exiled smokers on the city sidewalks–inhaling their secondhand smoke as i am forced to do daily–without having to worry about seeing any butts.

05.13.09

dear sky blue scooter: this is the vespa i want, assuming there is a matching helmet in the trunk.

05.06.09

dear celestial revelers: thank you for bedazzling the sidewalk downtown with star glitter.