02.19.09

dear fellow muni riders: this is my biggest public transit pet peeve (and that is saying a lot.) when the seats are two to a row, and said row is empty, you should sit in the window seat. this way, the next person in need of a seat can easily sit beside you. just because you are a rude xenophobe (which in this case–red fleece jacket wearer–was exemplified by your later refusal to sit back down next to the black woman who made you move so she could at least sit by the window when you wouldn’t budge) does not mean you get an entire row to yourself on a crowded bus/train. get over it!

02.18.09

dear kate and george: you are going to have, like, the best wedding invitations ever!

02.17.09

dear training car with no passengers: it is uncanny how, whenever i am running late, you are the only cable car that rolls by after i wait 20 painstaking minutes.

02.16.09

dear walgreens: i love tape. the smell of it, its myriad of uses, and most especially, covering packages in it to the point of waterproofedness. (this is a trait i have inherited from my mother’s side of the family.) i currently own the following types of tape: invisible scotch tape, transparent scotch tape, double-sided sticky tape, extra thick double sided sticky tape, masking tape, duct tape, painter’s tape, clear packing tape, brown packing tape, paper tape that you have to wet in order for it to stick, decorative metalic tape, white-out tape and even this iron-on tape for hemming (not that i sew.) however, all i needed today was a glue stick.

02.15.09

dear embossing technique: how is it that i have come this far in life, and not tried you before?

02.14.09

dear napa: it was worth the rain, crowds and traffic to sip on a range of reds at vineyards with my valentine all day.

02.13.09

dear healthy penis: welcome back!

02.12.09

dear temptation: i will resist.

02.11.09

dear puerto alegre: as always, your food was delicioso and the margs were bionic, but my favorite part is still the portrait of the parents (?) above the bar.

02.10.09

dear organic cotton sheets: i can’t tell the difference.

02.09.09

dear full moon: in person, you are the brightest spot in the city sky but in pixels, you are outshone by a streetlamp.

02.08.09

dear pet store: how smart you were to hire a salesdog! i don’t even have a pet but i almost bought some of those cookies after i saw his doleful-eyed sales pitch.

02.07.09

dear women’s bathroom door: as a symbol to represent all of womankind, i always found the generic but widely-recognizable graphic of a woman wearing a dress somewhat offensive. but i don’t think a barbie doll with a nail through her neck is the answer.

02.06.09

dear differences between rocky and i: we each received one piece of mail today. for me, a roth 401k investment statement. for him, a flier promoting the international conference on science and consciousness.

02.05.09

dear gap: i can see that you tried to be creative, however the rainbow gradient on your list of the four things you sell doesn’t really make those items exciting. i happen to frequent your store both for your high prevalence of reliable basics and proximity to my workplace, but after reading your poorly typeset list, i feel like only boring people should shop there. and as a consumer, i don’t want to feel boring. you are at the opposite end of the spectrum from h&m. maybe the two of you should get together and meet in the middle.

02.04.09

dear h&m: srsly?

02.03.09

dear sf center for the book: i enjoyed your intro to letterpress printing workshop. i will definitely be back after i find 50 people to give my gossip-girl inspired valentines to.

02.02.09

dear one big man & one big truck: are you popular in the castro?

02.01.09

dear oatmeal: i think you have been the most constant companion in my life. how long have we been together-- 20, 25 years? you don’t look a day older than 10. and to think of all the milestones you have played witness to. if teddy bears could speak…

01.31.09

dear january: i still can’t get over how non-winterlike this winter has been. unlike all the local vintners, water conservationists and tree huggers, i am not complaining.

01.30.09

dear yellow cab: thank you for not actually killing me during my death-defying ride home tonight. your being $1 short of the amount of change i requested was also a nice touch.

01.29.09

dear bay: how i wish i was in a sailboat today instead of watching them from the docks during my lunch break.

01.28.09

dear fire hydrant: often unseeingly, i stare at you every morning while i wait at the cable car stop.

01.27.09

dear elliptical machine: we meet again.

01.26.09

dear catherine & heathcliff: how much more thoroughly i have enjoyed the “unquiet slumbers for those sleepers in that quiet earth,” on pbs’ free webcast of wuthering heights this past week, than i did when it was required reading in 9th grade honors english.

01.25.09

dear polk gulch: don’t let all the accusations of neighborhood gentrification get you down. you are still a seedy hotbed for drug dealers, hustlers and the homeless in my eyes.

01.24.09

dear grubstake: your beer-bottle flower vases are very avant-garde.

01.23.09

dear rain: welcome back.

01.22.09

dear setting sun: you almost make up for how noisy my street is at night.

1.21.09

dear spanish architecture: california’s high schools look so different than the one i went to in maine.

01.20.09

dear obama: we have chosen hope.

01.19.09

dear global warming: armageddon you may be, but this weather sure beats that of any january i ever spent in maine or upstate new york.

01.18.09

dear academy of sciences: i hope you can find some more dead fish to put in jars with the $25/pp admission you charge. i see them floating around fisherman’s wharf for free all the time.

01.17.09

dear man behind the curtain: my landlord warned me of your impending visit to paint the exterior of my living and bedroom windows. he did not, however, mention that it would be at 8am on a saturday.

01.16.09

dear liquid plumr: your packaging guaranteed to unclog my bathroom sink in 15 minutes. and yet here we are after 5 hours-- do i need to call a solid plumr?

01.15.09

dear commute: hanging on for dear life to the front poll of the cable car while we race up the hills during rush hour is often the most exciting part of my day. and it smells way better than the bus.

01.14.09

dear market street: i felt that these l.e.d. snowflakes were odd for sf (where it does not snow) when they went up for the holidays, but now in this 70º weather, they are entirely inappropriate.

01.13.09

dear anthropologie: i do not attend tea parties. nor am i a lady who lunches. i usually wear jeans and faded t-shirts to work. and i have no fancy events to attend in the near future. why then, do i delay returning home at night to try on your froufrou dresses? (which, by the way, make someone of my stature look like a cupcake with arms.)

01.12.09

dear pg&e: can you explain why our december energy bill was triple that of november, despite us being gone for two weeks and rarely turning on the heat?

01.11.09

dear photo shoot: this is the art director’s eye view.

01.10.09

dear ferry building: we enjoyed two vanilla cokes at taylor’s automatic refresher after spending the afternoon walking around the waterfront today.

01.09.09

dear press club: what a novelty, to have an “urban tasting room” right next door to my office. i never would have had the opportunity to try a flight of mount eden vineyard’s estate wines otherwise. are you open during my lunch break?

01.08.09

dear douchebag: you serenaded me with six dozen rounds of “pop goes the weasel” on your ukulele while i waited for the cable car tonight. during this time i was impressed neither by the red ball you wore on your nose nor the fact that you can afford a bicycle yet usurp more obviously needy street folk in your shameful scheme for attention and loose change.

01.07.09

dear trio of thirteen year-old girls: do your parents know you are strutting around downtown san francisco at noon on a school day dressed like this?

01.06.09

dear union construction workers: if you get more respect from your employers, will you stop sexually harassing me and every other female who walks by your job sites?

01.05.09

dear gap: thank you for selling affordable jeans in petite lengths that don’t need to be hemmed for us short people.

01.04.09

dear rodeo beach: we almost got trapped in one of your coves on our hike today when the tide rolled in at an alarming speed. we were distracted by the view.

01.03.09

dear chinatown: you are much more alluring by night than by day.

01.02.09

dear windows: despite local lore, here in san francisco the street artists and homeless vets can’t afford laptops but if they could, i bet they would buy macs.

01.01.09

dear san francisco: it was nice to see a break in the fog this new year’s day.