06.07.09

dear dave: thanks for helping me define relaxation this weekend! i especially love your handless (and headsetless) cell phone technique.

06.06.09

dear renegade craft fair: my favorite find was these customized wooden wedding-cake toppers! no reason to buy them though…

06.05.09

dear dana: our high tea brunch was fit for a queen. the ditsy floral teapot cozies were an added perk.

06.04.09

dear brooklyn pizza: you can’t get anything this good on the west coast.

06.03.09

dear suitcase: i have less stuff going out than i had going in, and yet you won’t close. why is that?

06.02.09

dear lily: thanks for keeping me company.

06.01.09

dear birthday 28: after a wedding cake on saturday and another at my grandpa’s 82nd (although with his alzheimer’s, he claimed 46th) yesterday, i was over it. this was just as yummy.

05.31.09

dear boston: so much of my relationship with you has involved this highway, usually in deadlocked traffic.

05.30.09 (part ii)

dear hannah: i couldn’t let this merry day slip by without noting our fantastic pedicures!

05.30.09

dear kate and george: congrats on your dazzling union!

05.29.09

dear rapid ray’s: that’ll be a cheese, a fry, and a choc. and thanks for correcting the next person in line when he did not know how to order-- reminding me that though i don’t live in saco anymore, i am still local.

05.28.09

dear carla: you have a seriously strange pet.

05.27.09

dear jet blue: maybe it’s just the angle, but your plane looks rather small to be carrying 150 passengers and i across north america in the middle of the night.

05.26.09

dear california supreme court: regarding your decision to uphold prop 8– you can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man’s freedom. you can only be free if i am free.

05.25.09

dear the wedding of kate and george: only 109 more of these to go…

05.24.09

dear high-end furniture store: who buys these overpriced, creepily-realistic stuffed dogs? they do not appear to be toys for kids.

05.23.09

dear middle of the night: it’s strange how items like a twin mattress with a child’s clothing strewn about it can be on the sidewalk in front of your apartment in the darkest hours, but by sunrise they have disappeared.

05.22.09

dear penguin classics: i have been dying to get my hands on this set of books you published last fall in the uk, with covers designed by coralie bickford-smith. i finally found them in canada, and ordered them two months ago. today they finally arrived! (although pride and predjudice is momentarily missing) still– i am pleased.

05.21.09

dear harrison street post office: i wandered around the block several times searching for an official-looking building, before i realized that this, indeed was the door i would have to enter to pick up my package.

05.20.09

dear new cigarette tax increase: i don’t smoke so i assumed i was not affected by your new tax hike, presumably to encourage more people to quit smoking. little did i know that the fee was actually to pay someone “$11 million dollars a year to clean the streets of discarded butts.” way to focus on the real problem. i will look forward to traipsing through the slollum of exiled smokers on the city sidewalks–inhaling their secondhand smoke as i am forced to do daily–without having to worry about seeing any butts.

05.19.20

dear california: it is still a novelty to me that you can grow your own citrus trees here.

05.18.09

dear train stop: i found your literary quote rather depressing while i waited for the n-outbound.

05.17.09

dear america: as i waited for a passenger in my car to use the bathroom from this hot, dry, 110º asphalt parking lot on the freeway, i wondered, when are we going to reduce our dependency on oil?

05.16.09

dear co-workers: thanks for putting your heads together (along with mine) for three days and not causing any headaches. by the way, we are all seriously addicted to our iPhones.

05.15.09

dear lake tahoe: i had no idea you were so pristine. perhaps i should get out of the city more often.

05.14.09

dear woods: i have retreated into you with my co-workers to reassess our priorities, goals and policies as a team. this could get interesting…

05.13.09

dear sky blue scooter: this is the vespa i want, assuming there is a matching helmet in the trunk.

05.12.09

dear pier 27: today i had the surreal experience of being picked up in a station wagon by sf city supervisor, bevan dufty, and driven to your warehouse to choose a float structure to design for the gay pride parade. the thing is, you are soley responsible for all the floats for all the parades year-long, and we have to transform a chinese new year cityscape into a gay adoption / bevan dufty for mayor float!

05.11.09

dear soma: could i live on unsolid ground? you seem to be the only neighborhood i can afford to buy a 2br condo in in the city. you are quite sunny and picturesque, but will you melt into the bay if we have an earthquake?

05.10.09

dear street art: i love looking at this, but am having a hard time interpreting it, other than as a portrait of your everyday tree hugging, bike riding san franciscan, topless while simultaneously bedecked in a cute victorian facade buildings. but your text really throws me off: “the same wind that uproots trees makes the grasses shine.” unless it’s about pot?

05.09.09

dear womyn: one could assume you were going for a christian theme, but as this is potrero hill in san francisco, i am going to commit to interpreting your home’s decor as having a new-age third wave feminist goddess lesbian womb vibe instead.

05.08.09

dear neighborhood corner store: the amount of reinforcements you have holding up your sign disturbs me.

05.07.09

dear santoshi: my tea time in the sun with fernando was lovely today.

05.06.09

dear celestial revelers: thank you for bedazzling the sidewalk downtown with star glitter.

05.05.09

dear cinco de mayo: because of rain and the fact that you fell on a tuesday, this was the extent of my celebration.

05.04.09

dear cherries: i much prefer a life like a bowl full of strawberries.

05.03.09

dear alameda flea market: i attended hoping to find a set of vintage champagne glasses, or perhaps a spool or two of antique ribbon for my burgeoning wedding invitation business. because of the rain, most of the vendors left by the time i arrived but i was lucky enough to find your bins of creepy dolls.

05.02.09

dear the summer of love: in some corners of the world, you never ended. namely, berkeley.

05.01.09

dear jfk: do you think the day is near when we see shall obama’s graphic image laminated onto the table tops at taquerías?

04.30.09

dear media frenzy: you are creating mass hysteria. and what’s that in the left column about the zodiac killer being caught?!?! waaaaay bigger news than the swine flu, in my opinion. obviously not in yours though.

04.29.09

dear neighbors: i don’t think your signs pointing out that you “notice” the poop is going to motivate anyone to pick it up. in fact, i think it will have the opposite effect. i also don’t think said poop is always from someone’s dog in this city.

04.28.09

dear creepy tourist man: i took this photo of you on the sly, while you filmed me and the cabled hill ahead without shame. i wonder how many vacation photos and videos i unwillingly star in?

04.27.09

dear the wall street journal: you are like a scavenger, preying on our dwindling newspaper market before the beloved san francisco chronicle has officially gone under. dirty.

04.26.09

dear city car share: thanks for granting my partner and i the freedom to escape the city limits at a moments’ notice!

04.25.09

dear hair: i wear you every day. i appreciate your thickness and the fact that you are very versatile– i style you curly, wavy, straight, up or down on any given day with ease. and so far, only one of you is white. however, today i spent more money on you then i spend in a month on all my other bills combined. this is because the salon where i get you cut (and today, highlighted) keeps increasing their prices. it was so expensive, that i cannot bring myself to admit the amount in writing. the problem is i had six horrible san francisco haircuts before i found a stylist that did you justice. i don't want to divorce her, but this is really getting out of hand… what to do?

04.24.09

dear hôtel biron: we meet again.

04.23.09

dear california department of motor vehicles: after the debaucle of taking your trick-question, english-as-a-second-language driving test in order to get liscenced in 2003, i was pleased to learn that i could renew my drivers’ license on your website. this is great not only because the dmv office in san francisco frankly sucks, but the best part about online renewal is i don’t get a new photo taken or revise my personal info. officially, i will indefinitely look 22 and weigh 115lbs!

04.22.09

dear spring: you make a lot of people i know sneeze, but i am enjoying your arrival this year.

04.21.09

dear fecal face dot gallery: do you want some help with your brand identity?

04.20.09

dear capitalism: glad to see that on some city blocks, you are still alive and well.