10.20.09

dear “no sloppy seconds” guy: you got someone to write your scripture in chinese, and then you waited by the bus stop that takes people home to chinatown. a new low.

10.19.09

dear cardboard collecting men: i see you all over the city, stuffing flattened cardboard boxes into every inch of your pickup trucks. do you get money for these boxes? or are you just really into recycling?

10.18.09

dear foreign travelers: despite what you may have seen in the movies about the summer of love, here in sf, i am pretty sure it is illegal for you to be sleeping in a van front of my apartment. especially as you have been parked overnight on a one-way cable car street. i am also pretty sketched out by the fact that the pop-up roof of your “house” is just about level with my bedroom window.

10.17.09

dear bud vase set: i like the idea of you, but in reality, i don't think i could keep up with a constant collection of fresh, tiny, button-like flowers.

10.16.09

dear mechanic beacon lights: you are highly appealing to me but i do not think you would work in my home– unless i build a basement morgue.

10.15.09

dear spooky dolls: you fill a shop window in my new neighborhood. in typical san francisco fashion, the purpose of the store is undecipherable—on the right side of the storefront, i stare at the congestion that is your army of creepiness. on the left, a large statue of a purple sphinx stares out at me.

10.14.09

dear three potato four: i have been in the market for artwork and posters for my new apartment, and was jazzed to find this print from the fryeburg fair! i am pretty sure i was at that fair in 1984, watching my cousins show off their cows in the junior 4-h competition.

10.13.09

dear fellow san franciscans: why do we even bother with the umbrellas? the rain comes at us slanted, sideways and upside down. the gale-force winds invert them at every intersection. building ledges wait until we are beneath them to release a random deluge of excess water, and muni buses hurl tsunamis at us when we cross the street. after today, the sidewalks will be strewn with dead umbrellas, like broken birds.

10.12.09

dear california academy of sciences: the last time i visited, the rainforest was closed so i didn’t get to appreciate how awesome it is! i especially love all the butterflies flittering around the dome. and the fact that you have a designated employee to “brush off the butterflies” when museumgoers exit.

10.11.09

dear peter pumpkin patch: you were quite the find, on our drive down hwy 1. i bought six pumpkins in various shapes and colors. i think we might actually get trick-or-treaters this year.

10.10.09

dear albino alligator: until you blinked, i thought you were a fake alligator, like a classic greek sculpture to keep the other alligators cultured.

10.09.09

dear redwoods: i love you.

10.08.09

dear my new home office: i decided on a muted purple wall color, which is supposed to provoke creativity.

10.07.09

dear buddha: thanks for your unsurpassed knowledge of the world.

10.06.09

dear moths: it’s amazing that most of us find you annoying when you flutter around our lamps and eat our sweaters, but dead, you are art.

10.05.09

dear starbucks barista: you were so quick to yell at my co-worker (who can be seen paying for his fresh brewed coffee behind your fashionista silhouettes) when he asked about your new product, “via” instant coffee. “IT’S NOT INSTANT GOD DAMN IT!!!!” you shouted for all to hear. and yet, your employer released this press release, did they not?

10.04.09

dear ikea: this was the most successful visit we’ve had to date, thanks to careful preparations on my part. these involved eight hours of sleep the night before, a square breakfast, continuous hydration and counting to three before reacting to various obnoxious but inevitable scenarios that make me despise the human race. the well-timed snack break before entering the market hall was what sealed the deal.

10.03.09

dear jellyfish: you remind me of the solar system, when you are floating around in a tank. on the beach however, you look like washed up bits of plastic trash.

10.02.09

dear welsh terrier on fillmore street: you are my dream dog.

10.01.09

dear kids in the park during school hours: i have two theories about what is going on with you. 1) you are honors students from the midwest on a field trip, and found it entirely appropriate to dress like what you think hippies and surfers are in california; or, 2) you are home-schooled jesus freak born agains from somewhere near death valley doing so-called “missionary work” in this city of derelicts. either way, you kept me entertained while i ate lunch today.

09.30.09

dear scott’s new kitties: so glad you liked the gift bag i got you better than any of the presents inside it. i spent a lot of time picking it out.

09.29.09

dear online computer course: i want to learn better xhtml skills from you, but you are really, really dry.

09.28.09

dear bad billboard designers of the universe: wow, white type on yellow? that is what we call unreadable.

09.27.09

dear s.u.v.s: this is an altogether too common phenomenon.

09.26.09

dear not-missing socks: my collection of you increases every time i do laundry, i don’t get it! my parents used to have a cat that ate my socks, but there is no explanation for this now. where are all your mates?

09.25.09

dear photo studio: another shoot for the greater good. today’s topic is diabetes.

09.24.09

dear new neighborhood: is that you in there, under the fog? i guess this is what happens when you come down from the hill and move near the beach.

09.23.09

dear apartment: we have decided to leave you, but i will miss the way you glow towards the street when i arrive home.

09.22.09

dear neighborhood eyesore: of course, now that i have signed a lease and am moving away, you are finally getting that much needed bath and new coat of paint.

09.21.09

dear broken promises: i can only imagine the scene where this vase was forcefully smashed against the stone wall on powell street, leaving shards of glass and dying flowers strewn across the sidewalk. was the cable car going by at that very moment?

09.20.09

dear napa: with the crush in full swing and temperature in the triple digits, it’s a perfect day for a flight of “warm weather whites.”

09.19.09

dear zarzuela: i love your food, but the problem i have with tapas is we always order way too many.

09.18.09

dear walgreens: how convenient, when i pick up toothpaste, i can buy a kit to determine my baby daddy in the next aisle.

09.17.09

dear soma architecture: i think you get underlooked, being south of market.

09.16.09

dear contemporary jewish museum: ok, i am intrigued.

09.15.09

dear billboard placements: on the left for chase bank, “let’s do better with banking, california.”

…on the right, “chukchansi gold casino. big. close.”

09.14.09

dear keyboard: after i spilled my soy latte on you, i pulled the four affected keys to clean them, only to discover how offensively filthy you were. so now i am in the process of pulling off all the keys and blasting your underbelly with condensed air.

09.13.09

dear wire fox terrier: i know, i know, i want you too!!!

09.12.09

dear rex cafe: though i don’t drink them myself (this is rocky’s) i am sure you must have the best bloody marys in town.

09.11.09

dear yo-cup: i love the wide selection of fresh, organic (whatever that means) fruit you have for your fro-yo.

09.10.09

dear boys elementary school: you make your kids run laps on nob hill every morning. i hated gym class at that age, but i never had it that bad.

09.09.09

dear sf planning council: i simply cannot believe what i am seeing. you are not already putting up the holiday snowflakes along market street?!?!?!

09.08.09

dear real food grocery store: do you have any soy milk?

09.07.09

dear 4-h club: i don’t really know what four h’s you stand for, but i find it fascinating that among your members are this gal hayley and her rooster, sniddles. (and i thought my tween years were awkward.)

09.06.09

dear goats: in keeping with the batman theme, i love your t-shirts and am surprised you don't eat them – especially since i later saw you snacking on an umbrella.

09.05.09

dear crazy bat man: i thought your hand made bat houses shop was quite charming until i noticed you, in your rocking chair, glaring at us from the corner.

09.04.09

dear diesel: not that it’s remotely obvious from this photo, but does placing jock straps in your window display draw a crowd? (in this town, probably.)

09.03.09

dear stockton tunnel: i decided to mix things up on my walk home today and walk through you, instead of over you. it was quite the adventure, complete with used syringes and a urine-scented breeze.

09.02.09

dear pretentious neighbors: do you really think your french “no parking in our drive” sign (or whatever it says, as i don’t speak the language of my ancestors, like 99.9% of the population here) is necessary, or are you just showing off?

09.01.09

dear nob hill gazette: badinage and bacchanalia? seriously? i do not think your magazine represents our neighborhood’s demographics. seriously.