04.30.09

dear media frenzy: you are creating mass hysteria. and what’s that in the left column about the zodiac killer being caught?!?! waaaaay bigger news than the swine flu, in my opinion. obviously not in yours though.

04.29.09

dear neighbors: i don’t think your signs pointing out that you “notice” the poop is going to motivate anyone to pick it up. in fact, i think it will have the opposite effect. i also don’t think said poop is always from someone’s dog in this city.

04.28.09

dear creepy tourist man: i took this photo of you on the sly, while you filmed me and the cabled hill ahead without shame. i wonder how many vacation photos and videos i unwillingly star in?

04.27.09

dear the wall street journal: you are like a scavenger, preying on our dwindling newspaper market before the beloved san francisco chronicle has officially gone under. dirty.

04.26.09

dear city car share: thanks for granting my partner and i the freedom to escape the city limits at a moments’ notice!

04.25.09

dear hair: i wear you every day. i appreciate your thickness and the fact that you are very versatile– i style you curly, wavy, straight, up or down on any given day with ease. and so far, only one of you is white. however, today i spent more money on you then i spend in a month on all my other bills combined. this is because the salon where i get you cut (and today, highlighted) keeps increasing their prices. it was so expensive, that i cannot bring myself to admit the amount in writing. the problem is i had six horrible san francisco haircuts before i found a stylist that did you justice. i don't want to divorce her, but this is really getting out of hand… what to do?

04.24.09

dear hôtel biron: we meet again.

04.23.09

dear california department of motor vehicles: after the debaucle of taking your trick-question, english-as-a-second-language driving test in order to get liscenced in 2003, i was pleased to learn that i could renew my drivers’ license on your website. this is great not only because the dmv office in san francisco frankly sucks, but the best part about online renewal is i don’t get a new photo taken or revise my personal info. officially, i will indefinitely look 22 and weigh 115lbs!

04.22.09

dear spring: you make a lot of people i know sneeze, but i am enjoying your arrival this year.

04.21.09

dear fecal face dot gallery: do you want some help with your brand identity?

04.20.09

dear capitalism: glad to see that on some city blocks, you are still alive and well.

04.19.09

dear miette pâtisserie: i don’t think i even like macaroons but due to your vintage presentation decisions, they are hard to resist (like everything else in your shop.) a successful marketing strategy! (i did manage to resist though.)

04.18.09

dear fog: please stay at bay (don’t come any further into the bay!)

04.17.09

dear economy: desperate times call for desperate measures.

04.16.09

dear mansion in the hills: when i got dressed for this party, put on by a non-profit client, i decided not to wear my crystal earrings so i wouldn’t look like an ad person who profits from their limited funding. i thought i was going to someone’s apartment. instead i arrived at this house–admittedly hard to take in from this photo outside the surrounding wall–but i was in utter dismay at the sheer wealth of it, beginning with the original warhol screenprint in the mud room, extending to the parrots, first edition harry potter books in the library and four jacuzzis i saw in the fraction of the home guests were given access to.

04.15.09

dear “curly” quotes: i have a personal pet-peeve about the misuse of "straight" quotes in media. with computers, everyone thinks they can design, and they seem to take no issue with that fact that most email and other desktop publishing programs default to the incorrect use of quotation marks. here is a lesson to all you out there who don’t understand:

"straight" quotes–or marks that go straight up and down–are for unites of measurement; 'feet' and "inches". e.g., i am 5'3" tall.

“curly” quotes–marks that have a curve to them–are the appropriate device for quoting someone, or apostrophes. e.g., emily says, “don’t use straight quotes in a sentence or logo if you want to be taken seriously as a graphic designer, editor or writer.”

now like me, you shall be cursed with seeing the scourge of "straight" quotes everywhere you go!

04.14.09

dear san franciscans: does everybody who lives here have to be a character?

04.13.09

dear business we share an office building floor with: a while back, you invited our agency to display some of our campaign posters in your hallway “gallery.” in the anonymous comments book, your employees wrote things like “i find this personally offensive” and “this is not art.”

and this is?

04.12.09

dear trevor: i think the view from your roof beats the view from mine.

04.11.09

dear hôtel biron: not a hotel at all, you are my favorite wine bar in the city. perfect for a friday night meetup with sommelier-minded friends.

04.10.09

dear thought matrix: what goes on in there?

04.09.09

dear new blue platform sandals: i am devising an outfit for you.

04.08.09

dear blue skies: please continue to dominate the fog.

04.07.09

dear kate and george, part 3: after weeks–nay months–of painstaking handwork to provide you with flawless custom wedding invitations, the mailman did this to mine. and we underestimated the postage!

04.06.09

dear etsy: my first handmade purchase–this vintage-inspired carved flower necklace from rachelle d–was a success!

04.05.09

dear flor: i finally laid out my new dining room rug via your modular carpet tiles today. the old one had a wine stain. as did the rug that preceded that one. so i have a new plan: guest spills wine on rug, single modular tile is tossed and promptly replaced via your website. i will just have to remind said guest to navigate potential wine spillage away from the borders between multiple tiles.

04.04.09

dear playground: in a neighborhood of chain-link fences with razor wire along their tops, it’s nice to see a creative solution to drawing the line.

04.03.09

dear macy’s window display: as i speedwalked along o’farrel street to work, i heard what i assumed was a drunk irish homeless person playing a jaunty hymn on a wooden flute, but then i realized there were other instruments involved. i searched for the source and upon crossing the street, discovered that it was emanating from your oversized diorama of a unicorn in a magical meadow. there are no apparent products in this display–is that because no one is buying anything anyway, so instead you are offering a fantasy to cheer us up from our economic woes? how thoughtful.

04.02.09

dear general bead: your shop in soma is nothing short of amazing.

04.01.009

dear black cat i tried to pet in store: why do all of your kind viciously attack me?